Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
