The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize