Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize