He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
