I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
