our cab driver is having phone sex.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
