member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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