FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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