just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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