as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
