I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
