How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Never joke about your clitoris.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
