I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
