I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
