this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I think I won the penis lottery.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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