when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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