i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize