I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
