You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
