I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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