I heard we made out
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
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