hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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