it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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