i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize