I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
