You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
