You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize