do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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