and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
