dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
