mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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