I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
