Whod you bang
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
