My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
