i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
