so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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