I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize