yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I CAN MOONWALK!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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