and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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