Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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