dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
