Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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