Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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