I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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