my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
