So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
