I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
