I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
