There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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