OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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