okay pat passed out under dana's car
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
