from now on my penis is your penis
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize