i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
