mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
