he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
