Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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