Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
