it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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