Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
