How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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