just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
