if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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