For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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