You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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